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Dr. Bastard; Or, how I learned to piss ninja ratters off and love the pain

    As I was finishing up my last story I remembered this incident. I decided to not try and cram it in and write a short novel so I'm writing it as a new story in case my first one gets published. If you're reading this, it obviously has ^^

    This story is set some time before my first one. There are no missiles and no fireballs in this one but you may find it a fun read none the less.

    I was flying around in my Buzzard, just shuttling from a station system to a POS where I keep some of my stuff a few jumps away. I was moving some faction stuff I got in a plex from the POS to the station so I didn't really feel like busting out something that's easily ganked (knowing my luck there was a hostile blob just around the corner). On my way back I met a suspected ninja ratter in system. Hitting the scanner, I see a Drake with his name in system. Even though I wasn't in a strictly combat ship I had a warp disruptor and a light missile launcher fitted. My mind starts working. If he's slow or not afraid of a Buzzard I could warp on top of him, get a point and hopefully speed tank his missiles and fend off his drones with my single launcher long enough to call in some backup with DPS. As I start narrowing down on his position with my scanner he goes off scan. Damn, went to a safe. Ok, I'm in a covops, rigged and fitted for probing. Finding a BC won't be a problem at all if he was stupid enough not to fit a cloak. I warped to the other end of the system hitting my scanner all the time to try and make my probing easier by finding his approximate position since there were a lot of ships stashed near towers on scan (seriously people, ship maintenance arrays are your friend!) and also to make sure he didn't cloak. As I'm doing that he logs off. Oh well... Hold on, there's still a Badger on scan, and once again, it has his name on it, just like the Drake. First thing they teach you in 0.0 (and any PvP corp for that matter I'm sure) is to always rename your ship. He either skipped that lesson or no one bothered to tell him that :-)
    Ok, so, he has a Badger in system. I check the sovereignty info. Unclaimed. Since Dominion changed sov mechanics this is understandable. However, it also means it's possible to drop a tower in system without anyone getting a mail about it. We had a few random corps try that in the past so I start looking for a tower we could pop and maybe score some goodies from. While scouting moons in system I bump into a giant secure can, anchored at 0 at a moon. I check the owner and sure, it belongs to his corp. Probably an alt of his. So there is no tower, no need to anchor a can, let alone at a lonely moon, if you have a POS in system. Out go the probes looking for suspicious signatures. I get one near the moon I'm at. Industrial. Bingo. Soon I'm in warp to it at 100, cloaked, just in case there is a tower somewhere after all and someone was just paranoid about his stuff getting stuck in a reinforced POS. And my overview played a lot of strange tricks on me in the past so I guess I'm paranoid about something as well :-P

    Less than 1 AU from the moon I see an empty Badger, just floating there. Bookmark, bounce off the moon, warp to 0. Debating if I should blow it up or just call someone in to steal it I decide to just board it and see what's in it. Hobgoblin I's, meh, and what's this, a weapon mod and it's not a BCU? Hold on, a mining upgrade? With a weird name on it? Loot from a rat perhaps? Why would you take that over all those nice meta 4 100MN MWDs that drop at times? On a whim I ask in corp if anyone is in Empire atm. A corpie kindly logs in his Jita alt and I link the module for him. Turns out it's something that only l33t roid crunchers still waiting for skills needed for T2 MLUs use and is priced at 80mil! Now, 80mil is not that much but I felt like I just killed an officer spawn and it dropped 3bil worth of goodies. Someone is gonna get pissed soon ^^! After jettisoning the mod and picking it up with my Buzzard I start debating with my corpies if I should just blow the damn thing up or someone will come in a pod to steal it. A corpie points out that killing it will be a loss for me since I was the last person using it and I foolishly board it again and selfdestruct since no one felt like coming to pick it up. I curse myself to this day for doing this, envisioning the epic mail:

Victim: Onyx47
...
Destroyed: Badger
...

Involved parties:
Name: Onyx47 (laid the final blow)

Ship: Buzzard
Weapon: Standard Missile Launcher II

Sure it would be a loss, but it would be a kill as well! An epic one at that :-P

    Deciding to have a bit more fun I return to my base, pick up my Drake and buy a small secure container off market. Warping to the still bookmarked spot where Badger wreck now resided I dropped the can, made a copy of the bookmark, renamed it to “So long and thanks for all the fish!” (in addition to that being just plain and simple HGTG reference, his corp was named something like “Small Fish Inc. :-P) and dropped it in the can for him to find. Fail on my part was not having anchoring trained so the next time I visited the fateful spot the can was gone, no doubt scooped by him. Oh well, he can have a 40k ISK can if he wants :-) I decided to leave his secure can be since short of dropping a few dreads on it (which I don't have and I'm sure riling up dread pilots and some support to go and shoot a can would be a very profitable move :-P) or pounding on it for an hour in a bomber I couldn't do much. Those things have an insane amount of HP you know :-)

    Epilogue: A few days later I enter local, finding him and his alt who anchored that can both in local, closing up shop I'm sure as that was the last time I saw him. I thank him for a 80mil mod and ask him to forward more of those my way if he ever stumbles on some. At this point he logged, in disgust I like to believe :-) Sadly, it was getting late for me so I couldn't stay and camp the pipe to try and catch him. I'm not sure if anyone got him as I can't remember his exact name and I forgot to snap screenies :-( So, the end result: he lived but paid his ratting license with a 80mil ISK priced module and understood the message that he should probably try somewhere else where dedicated ninja ratter hunters don't go. No killmail but a small victory for me in any case :-)

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WarblGarble on :

Dude, it would have taken you 3 minutes to take that ship 2 a station and sell it. 80 mil in 3 minutes. Do the math, could the monies get any easier?

...And you call yourself a pirate...

Still though, good story, and congrats on that lucky find. I would be PISSED if I were that guy

Onyx47 on :

I never called myself a pirate. Guess you missed the first story where I gave some background info on myself. I just enjoy reading stories here and sometimes writing them.

And yeah, I just noticed the line that might've confused you. When I said "empty" Badger I meant unpiloted, the module was in the cargo (not fitted), I did make 80mil by stealing it ;-)

StovAkor on :

Out there on the fringe there is seldom an opportunity like this one. Most will not leave a hauler in space with such an expensive mod in its hold. Thats one of those magical moments. Like x-mas morning when you're 6 years old. Except you're old enough to really appreciate that magical moment when you realized the gift left inside the cargohold. This story reminds me of an experience I had in EC-P8R about 5 years ago. Oh man it still makes me laugh when I think about it. I'll have to tell about it sometime.

BobTheCowboy on :

Thats a Freakin awsome story Stov, lol... gratz onyx also, wish something like this would happen to me!

StovAkor on :

Well no time like the present. About 5 years ago......back before cap ships & I think POS's, me & a friend go to EC-P8R to do some ninja mining and if the opportunity arises, some probing. Probes literally just came out a couple days before. It was alot harder to probe people back then & SS were still considered pretty damn safe. So there we are ninja mining in a pair of bursts. After a while the locals start patroling the belts which made it impossible to ninja mine with any degree of efficientcy. So what to do? Go home or do some probing? We chose the later. So my friend leaves for a bit to get a probing ship set up. In the meantime i used the ds to try and locate something....heh anythng really. When my friend gets back we start finding a shit load of parked haulers. So we start collecting them & parking them all in our safe. After a while we pretty much snag them all. So now what? We got like 10 haulers of various size and nothing to haul. So we're thinkin well its been fun but now its time to head home. Now all the while there was this guy yackin in local about how glad he was that he payed 100 million per day to mine in local. How he saved for like a month or some shit and tonight made all that saving worth it. All of a sudden friend says holy shit. I think I found this guy's SS. This kid had an osprey and an itty 4. He would jet can mine till he had 2 cans full in the belt then move them to his safe with the itty till he had about 4 cans in his safe before moving them out. To be continued......

StovAkor on :

He had his can marked with a time stamp. And he didn't know that jet cans lasted for 2 hours. He was under the impression that it was only an hour & a half. Anyway.....everytime he would start to shuttle his ore to empire we would warp in with our stolen haulers and take at least 2 of his cans before he got back. You'd think after the first 3 or 4 cans went missing he would make a new safe. But he just kept mining! Me and my friend were in tears laughing so hard! We did this to this kid until almost downtime. We took literally 10-12 full cans of crokite. Every now & then he would say something in local asking if anyone else is having probs with cans popping early. At the end of the night we started to think we didn't have enough haulers to get it all out before dt. So while he was mining in the belt we warped in and stole his hauler too. lol Thats when he finally caught on that he was being victimized all night. That was actually my first experience with piracy & the best part was I never even fired a shot. :-)

StovAkor on :

Just as a side note. We didn't have a covert ops ship. It was just us in a very unfriendly system havin some good old time fun. They did bubble the gate towards the end tho. After we kept jumping in with shuttles and jumping out with haulers. We never got caught in a bubble tho since our safe wasn't in line with any object. And on the jump in we weren't caught in a bubble either. Nor were we tackled the few times we came back in haulers instead of shuttles. Luck had alot to do with getting out of there alive and with all that ore.

StovAkor on :

I think its only a matter of time Bob. You'll see something like that sooner or later. Tho now that CCP made it so ya can't have a safe more than 20au from any object in space so I think there will be fewer opportunities. People will be more leary of it. But don't let that discourage you. Its like my old associate used to say. "There is no minimum intelligence reqired tn play this game." Some things never change Bob.

StovAkor on :

As for my story, I'm glad you liked it. I've got loads of them. I'm like the old guy at work. You know the type. The old guy with the loud mouth, that tells alotta jokes, doesn't do much work, just likes to give tips and tell stories. The type that shoulda retired years ago but still comes into work because he doesn't wanna stay home and wait to die. :-P

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